Attachment is the source of suffering.
But what is it that I attached to…?
An ex (LDR) told me once that he doesn’t want me to wait or expect him.
My reaction at that time…? It’s as if he told me to stop loving him.
To not expect or wait for him means to not care about him. To not care about him means I no longer have any kind of feelings no matter what happened to him or no matter what he did. I don’t feel sad or joyful whether he is alive or dead. That’s what I thought back at that time and exactly how I am at the moment. Neutral. I usually don’t feel sad or joyful when someone died, not even when my dad passed away when I am 16 years old. People dying is something natural in my eyes. Thanks to my grandfather’s pale corpse I learned this fact from a very young age.
Expectations arise without me noticing most of the time. I didn’t even know where they start. I could notice it when it’s already too much and overwhelmed my thought but not when it's still subtle. I am not aware of its arising. In recent days, the same experience occurred where I feel sad out of disappointment and start to feel unpleasant because the other person that I trust and am currently attracted to is not there when I wanted to share my joy with him.
I love sharing things I enjoy with someone whom I like and trust.
Previously, when I was disappointed and felt sad because my ex isn’t there again and again when I wanted to talk to him to share some simple experiences (I enjoy simple stuff), I start to withdraw and detached myself in order to avoid my expectations growing uncontrollably and transforming into resentment as the expectations aren’t met. The expectation was growing continuously and I didn’t know how to stop or react besides detaching myself.
It’s not a ‘need’. It’s a ‘want’.
I’m good on my own. I have always been on my own, everyone is going to die at the end of the day with or without me and vice versa. That’s how I think.
It’s the ‘expectations’ that arise when I crave and want for ‘more’ and ‘more’. It’s a ‘want’ that grows into expectations.
The other day, before I start my pattern to withdraw and detach myself by thinking the other person makes me sad, does not care about how I felt or failed to be there for me, I paused.
It’s not anyone else fault or responsibility that I felt the way I felt.
And I start asking myself (currently learning to own my own feelings),
why do I feel this way…? Why do I disappointed and feel sad or unpleasant? What is it that makes me feel this way…? What is the better response I can apply or how to react when I’m in this kind of situation…? I don’t feel good about the situation and conditions amidst the way I handle it in my previous relationship. It doesn’t feel good. So I want to change my approach.
Why do I disappointed and feel sad or unpleasant…?
Why do I feel this way…? ‘EXPECTATIONS!’ — is my answer.
And what is the cause of these ‘expectations’…?
Attachment !💡 💡 💡 💡 💡
But what it is that I am attached to…?
… FEELINGS ! ! !💡 💡 💡 💡 💡
I am attached to the ‘feelings’ I experience when I am sharing moments with the person I like and trust.
Feelings are the culprit!
I wanted to feel good! It feels great to have someone to share things that I love and enjoy, it makes me happy and I loved it! But when the people I like and trust are not there the moment I wanted to share my feelings, I get disappointed and felt sad. I am alone, again. Why I love to share myself with the person I like and trust clearly is because I trusted them and I like to be with them! I feel safe sharing myself with them and that makes me feel good!
So, because I want to feel good, because I love that feeling and experience, I expect the person I like and trusted to be there any time I need them to be there?! That’s insane!! I realize this because I don’t have many expectations for my family or my friends to be there for me. They are not there when I did all the studies on my own. They are not there when I feel happy that I had good grades in my class. They are not there when I am molested or almost got raped by the person I trusted once. One of them even wronged me at that time. There I learned that I can never really rely on them since they have their own life to live and they have their own shit to clean up, too, so, it didn’t occur to me to have many expectations toward them. But I admit that they are there for me when I ask. It's just that I don’t trust them enough to ask things from them and I can’t rely on them too much.
Now, knowing it’s insane to expect the person I like and trust to be there any time I need them to be there (they have their own life and shit to deal with, too), what can I do or what is the better response I can apply when I am in this kind of situation again…? Is there a way to avoid this kind of situation to happen/arise…?
Let’s see…
‘Does that mean without expectation then there’s no disappointment?’ YES!
‘Does that mean without disappointment then I won’t feel sad or down…?’
OF COURSE!
But then, how does it work? does that mean I have to kill my feelings…?
NO WAY!
There’s no way for humans to kill their feelings! What do I do then…?
Six roots of the arising of 89–121 consciousness (citta) and five categories of feelings according to Abhidhamma or so-called Buddhism Psychology;
Six roots:
1. Lobha (attachment);
2. Dosa (aversion or hatred);
3. Moha (ignorance); and
4. Alobha (greedlessness or generosity);
5. Adosa (non-hate or lovingkindness);
6. Amoha (panna or wisdom);
Five categories of feelings:
There are five categories of feelings (vedana) arising together with each of our consciousness in general,
1. Unpleasant physical sensation (dukkha);
2. Pleasant/pleasure physical sensation (sukha);
3. Unpleasant mental sensation (domanassa);
4. Pleasant mental sensation (somanassa); and
5. Neither pleasant nor unpleasant/Neutral (upekkhā).
According to the theory, humans have the chance and ability to experience all of the 89–121 different kinds of consciousness (citta). Each consciousness is accompanied by feelings, whether it’s pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral. And yes, animals also experience some of the consciousness out of 89–121. Citta, mind or consciousness is only one if defined as that which knows or experiences an object. But become 89–121 kinds of consciousness when defined by its roots, bases, functions, different object it knows, etc.
Unpleasant physical sensation (dukkha) and pleasant/pleasure physical sensation (sukha) are two kinds of consciousness that arise without root.
These two consciousness arises without roots, it’s a result of the past kamma (actions). Arises the moment our physical body get in touch with an object.
Note that the term ‘past’ in Buddhism doesn’t only mean past life. Yesterday is categorized as ‘past’, an hour ago, a minute ago, a second ago, and even the consciousness that arises and subsided before the present moment is also categorized as ‘past’.
The roots of unpleasant mental sensations are ‘hatred (dosa)’. Two kinds of this consciousness are one arises unprompted and the other arises prompted. Unprompted means it arises from ourselves, internally. Prompted means it arises after the person listening, believing and following what the other person suggested or persuaded.
The roots of the last two categories of feelings (pleasant mental sensation and neutral feelings) can be all of the six roots. It can be attachment, hatred, ignorance, or generosity, lovingkindness, and wisdom. Depending on their roots, the consciousness that arises will be different. Pleasant mental sensation arises together with 62 (sixty-two) kinds of consciousness while neutral feelings arise together with 55 (fifty-five) kinds of consciousness.
Okay, so what’s the correlation between those theories above with my question? what do I do when I know that I couldn’t kill my feelings as a human or what is the better response I can apply in the situation when I get disappointed and feel down because my expectation didn’t meet…? any way to avoid this kind of situation happen/arise…?
Here it is…
Based on the theory explained above, there are five kinds of feelings that will always arise at every single moment. The task is to recognise them and start training this ‘self’ to be skilled in the feelings ‘I’ needed. I can choose to train my mind to stay neutral or to be pleasant by trying to understand the situation and condition as much as I could and of course, it is better when they arise with the roots of alobha (generosity), adosa (loving-kindness), and amoha (wisdom).
I couldn’t kill the feelings, but I can choose how to react by training this mind and choosing which kind of mindset I wanted to be cultivated. That’s the only way. Though It wasn’t easy, it’s the path that I have to take if I love this ‘self’ and wanted the best for it in this life.
What’s the point to live in misery if I can choose to smile and be happy?
Summary:
Knowing all the theories will never help in the path if one is not ‘aware’ or ‘mindful’. Mindfulness helps us stay alert and aware of what happened inside ourselves so we can learn and adjust ourselves. We can learn how to react or choose the best mindset to apply when we faced certain situations. Of course, the choice is different from one to another depending on their own beliefs and experiences.
Additional Note:
Paṭicca-samuppāda (Dependent Arising):
Avijjā-paccayā saṅkhārā; saṅkhāra-paccayā viññāṇaṁ; viññāṇa-paccayā nāma-rūpaṁ; nāma-rūpa-paccayā saḷāyatanaṁ; saḷāyatana-paccayā phasso; phassa-paccayā vedanā; vedanā-paccayā taṇhā; taṇhā-paccayā upādānaṁ; upādāna-paccayā bhavo; bhava-paccayā jāti; jāti-paccayā jarā-maraṇaṁ soka-parideva-dukkha-domanassupāyāsā sambhavanti.
Evam·etassa kevalassa dukkhakkhandhassa samudayo hoti.
Dependent on ignorance, conceptions [arise]; dependent on conceptions, consciousness [arises]; dependent on consciousness, mentality and materiality [arise]; dependent on mentality and materiality, the six [internal sense] bases [arise]; dependent on the six bases, contact [occurs]; dependent on contact, feeling [arises]; dependent on feeling, craving [arises]; dependent on craving, attachment [arises]; dependent on attachment, [there arises a new] existence; dependent on [a new] birth [takes place]; dependent on birth, ageing, death, sorrow, lamentation, pain, unhappiness and despair come to be.
Thus is the arising of this whole mass of dukkha.
Avijjā-nirodhā saṅkhāra-nirodho, saṅkhāra-nirodhā viññāṇa-nirodho, viññāṇa-nirodhā nāma-rūpa-nirodho; nāma-rūpa-nirodhā saḷāyatana-nirodho; saḷāyatana-nirodhā phassa-nirodho; phassa-nirodhā vedanā-nirodho; vedanā-nirodhā taṇhā-nirodho; taṇhā-nirodhā upādāna-nirodho; upādāna-nirodhā bhava-nirodho; bhava-nirodhā jāti-nirodho; jāti-nirodhā jarā-maraṇaṁ soka-parideva-dukkha-domanassupāyāsā nirujjhanti.
Evam·etassa kevalassa dukkhakkhandhassa nirodho hoti.
With the remainderless dispassion and cessation of ignorance, conceptions cease; with the cessation of conceptions, consciousness ceases; with the cessation of consciousness, mentality and materiality cease; with the cessation of mentality and materiality, the six [sense] bases cease; with the cessation of the six [sense] bases, contact ceases; with the cessation of contact, feeling ceases; with the cessation of feeling, craving ceases; with the cessation of craving, attachment ceases; with the cessation of attachment, [the cause for a new] existence ceases; with the cessation of [the cause for a new] existence, [the possibility of re]birth ceases; with the cessation of birth, ageing, death, sorrow, lamentation, pain, unhappiness and despair cease.
Thus there is the cessation of this whole mass of dukkha.
Iti imasmiṁ sati idaṁ hoti,
imass’uppādā idaṁ uppajjati,
imasmiṁ asati idaṁ na hoti,
imassa nirodhā idaṁ nirujjhati.
Thus when there is this that is,
with the arising of this that arises,
when there is not this that is not,
with the cessation of this that ceases.
— Buddha teaching.
